Oh, for a tortilla chip...

I've been wanting to do this for a long time. A real condiment adventure.

It started with the Branston's Pickle. The pickle was a new experience--the cheddar and pickle sandwiches I've eaten out of sheer curiosity haven't impressed me too much. It's black, gooey, vinegary and... well, pickled. Rutabaga. Really!


It's palatable, but I don't see why it's the first thing British people seem to miss when they're abroad. (You can tell from the comments on the Ex-pat supply websites.) That and Marmite. I know Marmite is an acquired taste--as in, you have to be Vitamin B-deficient to enjoy it properly.


Then I moved on to chutney. I love chutney and I've been dying to try more varieties. We've had Sharwood's Green Label Mango Chutney here at the house for a while. Mmm, it's so delicious on veggie sausages. And everything else. Some chutneys I haven't tried yet:




A short trip to Tesco's down the hill reveals a staggering treasure trove of condiments. What could one possibly do with so many condiments? By their very nature, condiments require something to put them on.

What do British people eat so much of that needs a topping? I suppose it could be toast. They're very fond of toast.

Speaking of toast, I have a funny story about the British table-top implement that holds toast, called a toast-rack, I believe. I had heard (years ago) about how British people put their toast in this toast-rack thingie, sort of like a wire letter-holder or something. It holds the pieces of toast vertically in a nice row. And meanwhile the toast cools down. So some American (reporting his experience with this item) described it as a toast-cooler.

How strange that Brits like cold toast so much, you might think, that they invent a device specifically just for cooling toast! Trust them to think of something like that, anyway. They're very industrious.

Andy was appalled when I suggested that British people liked to eat their toast cold. They like warm toast just as much as anyone, he said. But soggy toast absolutely cannot be abided. The toast rack is for keeping the toast crisp, and to serve it nicely, he informed me.

Americans like warm toast, it seems, and don't think about much else, such as the texture. It's true--you can order breakfast at any diner across America and receive (with your greasy bacon and rubbery eggs) soggy sourdough toast triangles in a stack, pre-buttered with yellow margarine that's soaked through, possibly wrapped with a paper napkin. To keep them warm.

So, you see--perspective is everything. Depending on your definition of 'good' toast, either warmth or crispiness might take precedence. Sad to say, you can't have both qualities at the same time, unless the toast is directly out of the toaster and you haven't set it on a plate to become soggy before taking a bite.

I think I'm going to invent something called a toast-plate that allows you to set your toast down to spread condiments on it but that doesn't allow moisture to condense beneath the toast. It'll be like a flat sieve.

Anyway, here are some of the many, uncountable multitudes of condiments I encountered today. Do tell if you know what any of them are for! (Click on photos to enlarge.)